Have you ever thought that you might be an “emotional underachiever”? How would you even know you are?
It has a lot to do with ROEI, that is, the emotional return on investment. Suppose you wear yourself out by working as hard as you can in your relationship, and in return, your partner takes you for granted, criticizes you, or simply brushes you off. You do everything you can to meet other people’s needs, and yet other people (such as your partner, children, and family) are completely ignorant of your needs.
If that sounds like you, then let’s dig a little deeper. You wear yourself out doing everything you can for your spouse, questioning their every want and need. They tell you, often in many words, that you have:
a) not enough has been done
b) disappointed them.
Then what do you do? You tell yourself that their dissatisfaction is his failure. You tell yourself that you are “not good enough” or that you need to do even more. Does it sound familiar to you?
The notion of Emotional Underearner came from reading Barbara Stanny’s “Secrets of Six Figure Women,” a book about what really differentiates high-income women from women who are barely getting by.
Stanny’s argument is interesting: the results of the different groups, he argues, have nothing to do with effort or education. She notes that people who earn less can work just as hard as six-figure women, and yet have neither the money nor the success to show for it. What differentiates the two groups, she suggests, is simply this: six-figure women share certain winning strategies and beliefs, while underearners share beliefs, values, attitudes, and strategies that constantly undermine all their efforts.
Even more interesting is his discovery that there is no impassable divide between the two groups. Low-income people can move into the Six Figure group simply by adopting more productive strategies and beliefs.
This made me think that, quite possibly, women, and men, whose partners make them feel inadequate, are simply people with low emotional income.
You will seeEmotionally low income people work much harder in relationships than their successful brothers and sisters.. However, the results they achieve are dismal.
All the effort they put into their relationships never translates into being treated with constant love, care, and respect. They are left with little, if anything, to show for everything they do for their partners (and sometimes, for other people in their lives, too).
If you accept that this is true, how could you do otherwise? – Here it is where it gets interesting.
In the same way that Underearners can, and do, become Six Figure Women, so too, Emotional Underearners can cross that chasm and go from bad relationships to good ones. Once they figure out how to adopt the strategies and beliefs etc. much more emotionally successful sisters or brothers.
But don’t take my word for it. You be the judge. Take a look at the quiz below and judge for yourself if it resonates with you.
QUIZ: ARE YOU AN EMOTIONAL LOW INCOME?
- I often give away my time, energy, services (I do more for people than they ever realize).
- It’s so hard to ask for what I need that I just don’t do it.
- I have negative feelings about myself and my value in a relationship.
- I am proud of my ability to get by with very little.
- Someone else is usually responsible for my unhappiness.
- I prefer to avoid confronting the problems in my relationship.
- Sometimes I sabotage myself.
- I work very, very hard on my relationships, often to the point of exhaustion.
- My free time is spent putting other people, mainly my partner, first.
- I have no limits and very few reserves of emotional energy.
- I have a family history of not caring much for anyone.
- I am vague about what I want from my partner. I want the relationship to be better; but I don’t know exactly what it will take to improve it, what I should do or what my partner should do.
- I almost always put my partner’s needs and demands before mine.
- I am frequently anxious, stressed and in emotional pain.
- For me it is more important to receive crumbs of affection than to run the risk of alienating loved ones by asking for respect, consideration and self-esteem.
How many of these would you do? need OK with being an emotional Underearner? Three would already give him a clear indication.
How many of these do you really agree with? Five or more, and you need to recognize the seriousness of this damaging condition.
Now that you’ve discovered that you’re emotionally under-income, are you willing to settle for a ridiculously low ROEI? Or will you decide to cross the gap and join the ranks of the Emotionally Successful?