I am worried and affected by all the correspondence I receive from the wives. But from a marriage-saving standpoint, some of the emails that concern me the most are those that indicate that the husband has become indifferent or apathetic toward the wife or the marriage. People often assume that extreme anger, frustration, jealousy, or even hate are the most worrying emotions. But, in my experience and observation, this is not the case.
When I hear that spouses have very strong reactions to each other (even if these reactions are very negative and lead to fights or conflict), I have found that this is more of a positive sign than indifference or apathy. Because even when there are negative emotions involved, at least you know that marriage still brings strong emotions and reactions. If the spouses didn’t care or weren’t involved yet, you wouldn’t see the anger, fear, or jealousy.
In my experience, indifference is an indication that a spouse has almost completely withdrawn or withdrawn from the marriage. This often means that they are no longer listening, participating, or engaging in response to the relationship. And, in my experience, this can mean that your marriage is in big trouble and you need to immediately begin some steps to rehabilitate it before the apathy deepens and it’s too late. In the next article, I will share some of the advice I gave the wife on what I think are the best ways to deal with an uncaring husband.
Ask yourself if you are indifferent too: From time to time, I have husbands who also visit my blog or contact me. Many of them share with me their view of their troubled marriages. And many of them tell me that their wives no longer consider them as a priority as before. I am told that his work, the children, and his extended family and friends seem to rank much higher than him. So often in their minds, you are also indifferent. In response, they will withdraw. Her reasoning for this is something along the lines of “well, she doesn’t care and tries hard, so why should I?”
I am not saying that these perceptions are correct or even fair. But I wanted to bring this up because I want you to know that your husband may sense that you too have become apathetic and the attitude you are getting from him now is a direct result of this.
Also, the culture in the marriage can become stale and is based on neither partner rocking the boat or being invested that much. Since no one wants to be the one doing all the work and making all the investments (as this can feel very vulnerable), both people can very easily fall into the trap of just moving on. Sometimes in this scenario, both spouses perceive that the other doesn’t care, when in reality they are both acting in accordance with the culture of the marriage and as a result of incorrect assumptions that can be easily changed. In fact, sometimes both people care a lot, but they don’t want to be the only ones doing it.
You can’t control their indifference, but you can control your own behaviors. Sometimes you have to demonstrate a new way of interacting: You cannot force or make your husband feel or respond in a way that he is not willing to embrace. You can’t control another person’s actions unless he is a willing participant in it. Trying to do it too often will only result in resentment. However, you have full control over yourself. And you can change the culture of marriage from your side. You can definitely control your own actions too. Sometimes, you have to be the one to take the initiative. It can help demonstrate the kind of behavior that you want for yourself. This does not mean that you should scold, accuse or take advantage of negative emotions.
But, it can mean that you give your husband more than you want yourself and hope that he will eventually realize it. Often, when he sees that you are very interested in him and willing to put more attention and effort into the relationship, he will respond in kind (especially if he gets a positive reward from your actions). People will often move automatically. or respond positively to things that make them feel good and confident. Always remember this and act with this concept in mind. If you can show him that you’re on his side and that you want the same things he wants, it can make a big difference.
If your indifference doesn’t change despite your best efforts, consider getting help: Sometimes a wife will do everything right. She will engage and demonstrate the changes and efforts that she herself wants to see without the desired results. No matter what she does or how much effort she puts into it, the husband remains apathetic and indifferent.
In these cases, it can sometimes help to be proactive as an individual outside of marriage. Wives will often hear this and say something like, “But this is a marital problem. Why am I the only one who has to address this?” The answer I often have to give is “because you’re the only one willing to do it right now and someone has to take action.”
I say this because it is very important not to ignore indifference. In my opinion, it can really mean that the person has withdrawn from your relationship and therefore the next step is probably not a good one. Unfortunately, that same person is sometimes resistant to seeking help. However, this does not mean that you cannot or should not be proactive. He can educate himself and can seek help as an individual. It is true that you cannot change or help your husband when he does not want it. But sometimes, if you can make the appropriate changes, you will eventually see gradual changes from him that you can build on until he decides to re-engage and fully commit.