There really are many approaches to parenting. Most of us raising kids now grew up with authoritarian parents, you know, “do as I say and not as I do” and “because I said so, that’s why” type of parenting.
As new parents, we look back on those years of frustration over what we considered thoughtless parenting. As adults, we’ve read all the parenting books, we subscribe to the parenting magazines, we want to be the best parents we can be. We are organic, natural living, flexible and easy going. What could not be loved? Let’s show the world (and our own parents) that parenting means peaceful, loving kindness and that we have all the answers, before we have kids.
Along comes a child, maybe even a few. If you have a baby with a calm temperament, they will easily fit into the normal parenting boxes that all the books talk about, and permissive parenting works quite well. Positive parenting books will give you wonderful examples to advocate for that work perfectly with docile children.
But what about the energetic child? What about the rebel who seems adamant about making you pull out every hair on your head? The child makes you wonder ‘what did I do wrong’ because it’s so hard. You never thought parenting could be this hard and sometimes you feel like you want to run away and hide from it all. He may be crying daily and he may ask God ‘why?’ You never signed up for this!
You cannot see any parenting errors. You are being a wonderful father, letting Johnny have the freedom of him and thinking independently as people should. You give explanations for everything you do, to live democratically; And yet you feel like your child’s energy could overwhelm you at any moment. He drags you around stores and on play dates. You are running irregular, you are on the edge of your judgment and you want things to be different. But where are the real answers? How things change?
If it sounds like I’m speaking from experience, I am.
I found out when I was six months old. This was no ordinary baby. I knew this when I was called to the principal’s office day after day in a short stint in kindergarten. I knew this when I had a constant slight fear in my heart of how my son would behave with the family and in public. Would he decide to listen to him today? Would he be able to ‘handle’ it today?
Once you get into the habit of what I call Loving and Disciplined Parenting, your family will be transformed. At some point, having the natural tendency to be permissive (due to your flexible personality), you will have to realize that a healthy parent-child relationship means having a strong sense of personal power. If your son is energetic, he will surely see that he has no problem with his own sense of personal power, so why should you? Energetic children can teach us a lot.
My journey to a peaceful, low-stress home has been a long one. But we have arrived. Once I started implementing the basic principles of loving discipline parenting, life did a 180 degree turn and now everyone is happy. Our family bond has never been closer and we love each other every day. I am now going to share with you some of the basic facets of loving discipline parenting.
1. Redefine your idea of who you think your child is. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. What you think about your son becomes the role he plays. Think about and honestly describe your relationship with your child. vent. It’s okay that things are NOT okay. We have to acknowledge the current situation for the healing to begin. Now start thinking about the results you want to see happen. Keep that image in mind as you continue to implement new ways of parenting. Only describe your child in positive terms to others, and begin to see the positive aspects of your child’s character yourself. This begins to set the standard for your new relationship with your son. It amazes me how often I see parents not realizing (perhaps) how difficult their children are right in front of their children. What message do you think the child is sending? Children will not disappoint. Change the way you view your child and your relationship with your child, and then you will see the changes.
2. Set limits and stick to them. This is an especially difficult question for those of us parents who are so open and free-spirited. We don’t like limits ourselves, why do we impose them on our children? In reality, children desperately need limits. In order for them to feel secure, they need to know that you are ultimately in control. They need to know that they can depend on you to step up and step up to make a case for something. What are you defending with a laissez-faire attitude? You need to show an example of a strong sense of self for your child to understand the true meaning of that.
3. Give your child responsibilities. For us, that meant a chart of responsibilities to begin with, for the whole family, not just the kids. Now we have put that aside and my children understand that we are a community, a family that lives together and everyone has to contribute and help for the well-being of the community. Giving children responsibilities encourages growth and maturity. Children, however whiny they may be, are capable of understanding the value of a day’s hard work. Teach them the value of helping family and community. Helping the family is expected and required. no goals
4. Skip the food coloring and unhealthy junk food. I cannot stress this enough. Many children have behavioral reactions to food dyes and preservatives. You may not be aware of this, especially if your child tends to eat these types of foods on a daily basis. You may think that your child has a personality problem and that he is a rebel or refuses to listen. Food dyes and preservatives have been closely linked to ADHD symptoms. Bulging eyes, inattention, lack of focus or concentration – all of these are associated with allergic reactions to food dyes and preservatives. My son made great strides by removing them on his own.
5. For every flaw you find in your child, look for its opposite (eg, how can persistence be helpful in the real world?) When we’re frustrated, we tend to see more negatives than positives, even if we’re generally positive people. Realize that this special child of yours will help you grow spiritually and emotionally if you allow that growth to happen.
6. Just as you respect others, demand that they respect you and that your child also respect others. This includes communication, choice of words, listening to one another, respect for the welfare and property of others. You must not give this up. Children who do not respect their parents and others often end up in very bad situations.
7. Sit down and talk to your child – Explain the changes Your child will need an honest explanation of the changes that are about to occur. Your son is smart. He knows things are out of control, he feels it, and yet he has no idea how to make things better. He has long felt a feeling of rejection in one way or another by others and even by you (those frustrated looks, those tears, those sighs). You and your son are a team, there is a lot of love deep inside, and you are going to pull through. Your relationship will improve and life will be much better for everyone. Let your child know exactly what changes will take place and that it is because we are trying something new to make everyone happy.
8. Know that after the novelty wears off, you need to continue your consistency. Parenthood is like that. If you give up and go back to your permissive ways of being, life will go back to the way it was. Your child will feel out of control again, and so will you. As with healthy eating, new clothing must be consistently maintained to receive true lasting benefit. But the good news is that you can start over continuously. Kids will get angry, they might say things that hurt you… but as long as you continue to use loving discipline as a parent, things will calm down and turn into the family life you’ve only dreamed of.
9. Respect arises naturally from a close and loving bond. If you don’t currently have a close bond with your child, there is likely a lack of respect involved as well. Get emotionally close to your child and you will see that suddenly your child enthusiastically does the things you ask and he is happy to help you and listen to you. He does it because he loves closeness with you, and we naturally want those we love to be happy. Bonding with your child includes things like reading stories together every day (regardless of age), sharing experiences and retelling past experiences, being genuinely interested in what your child is doing and what their interests are, and being aware of their feelings and thoughts (but not letting it dominate you).
10. Make your family and your children’s education the top priority in your life. Parenting can be the default, or it can be a rewarding journey to really know yourself. You want the latest. Why let this opportunity for personal growth and enrichment pass you by? Keeping an emotionally healthy family at the center of your life is really about balancing your life, enhancing the meaning of life and your own well-being. Involvement in your child’s education is the crux of parenting. Do not stray from your responsibility as a guide and educator.
Loving and caring parenting means that you allow your child’s freedom, but your child respects the freedom of others, including yours. You are not a slave to your son’s wishes just as he is not a slave to yours. His son should be respectful to you just as you are to him. Children are going to take tests from time to time and you have to stand up to them (literally) look them straight in the eye and calmly say “I don’t talk to you like that, please don’t talk to me like that”. The best thing to do when emotions are running high is to lower your voice, even down to almost a whisper. Keep calm and speak quietly. This does not mean that you lack power in your voice with what you are saying. You have to show power… but you speak softly. This calms emotions and lets your child know that you are very comfortable with his own sense of inner strength and that you don’t have to yell at him to know that he is being heard. It is an invaluable tool that the methods of Maria Montesorri have helped me a lot. It is a basic in my life.
By implementing these simple steps, you will see drastic changes in your relationship with your child and in your child’s behavior. However, you should stick to these methods. Part of the addition to parenting with permission is exactly NOT sticking to any kind of rigor. That is the only thing that must change for your situation to change. You may be afraid of making bad decisions and hurting your child in some unknown way. We all make mistakes; It’s the nature of parenting. But the result is not as disastrous as limitless children and miserable, tired, exhausted parents who are about to give up in despair. Ultimately, you are responsible for your child and your child’s well-being. If your child is out of control, he doesn’t feel safe or loved. Lovingly enforced rules and limits really help a child know that he is loved and deeply cared for. You’re not supposed to have all the answers, but kids respect people who have convictions (even when those convictions aren’t always right) more than people who are vapid. So gather that inner strength my friend and rise up. Be that proud, loving, gentle but firm parent who is a true educator! This is your life and you deserve to enjoy parenthood for the joy it can truly be. Why suffer when the answers are right here in front of you?
In Joyful Parenthood, Mellisa Dormoy