No one consciously walks into an abusive relationship. Rather, they ‘sign up’ for a relationship that they believe gives them most of what they want; and they are prepared to compromise on things they feel are not on sale. Or maybe they think that on timethey will educate, or train, their partner to also provide them with the other things they want.
“Is that a bad foundation for a relationship?” you might ask. “People do that all the time.”
Of course they do. You’re right. Most people settle for a partner who falls short of their ideal, or to put it another way, people accept someone who falls short of their dream. In some cases it goes well, and in the case of abused women it goes very badly.
What makes the difference?
Quite simply, it is the shortcomings that people are willing to accept. Settling for someone whose appearance, dress style, social status, and education do not measure up to your aspirations may well be perfectly reasonable. Settling for someone who has a series of past relationships gone badly, a strong sense of grievance, quickly expresses anger and contempt. although with other people – it’s like putting your hand in the fire; and then to be terribly surprised when that hand sustains third-degree burns.
The way a new partner behaves with you in the early days of a relationship, when they want to win your heart, is less indicative of what’s to come than the way they behave with other people. Especially the ‘other people’ who ‘don’t matter’; like people in service industries.
“So how does this relate to a mentally abusive relationship?”
Having worked with hundreds and hundreds of abused women, I am aware of the gulf between how they define the first heady days of their relationship and how things really were. The women talk about how wonderful and loving their abusive partner was in the beginning, before she started changing from Mr. Nice Guy to Mr. Nasty right before their very eyes.
There is no question that mentally abused women believe the story they tell. Equally, there is no doubt that they view the beginning of their relationship through the rose-colored glasses of denial. In fact, their mate courted them fast, drove them crazy, saying the things they longed to hear…but, and this is a big but, they displayed behaviors that were worrisome.
There were times when he was inconsiderate, when he overreacted to situations and got very angry or punished. His behavior was, to put it bluntly, selfish: the relationship was about what he wanted, first and foremost.
In the first stage of the relationship, the woman’s mental dialogue is all about making up to him for his past (and present) problems, and making allowances and excuses for behaviors that, she feels, are less than ideal. She may look good and dress well, and there may be “chemistry.” So her partner overlooks fundamental differences in her values and attitudes toward relationships.
In the second stage of the relationship., Mr Nasty has become a very important part of the relationship. It is possible that he will be around longer than Mr. Nice Guy. By now, this man has largely stopped making an effort to please his partner. Because I should? Most of the time you can get what you want from her through intimidation, anger, or punishment. Why does that work? Why don’t you just leave? as she knows she should? Because she thinks of all the “potential” to be a great partner that she showed in the early days. She tells herself that if she just tries a little harder and shows him more love and support, sooner or later he’ll go back to being Mr. Nice Guy. When that happens, she’ll finally have the relationship she wants.
Plus, by now, she’s invested so much of her heart and identity in him that she can’t bear to throw away what they had.
In the third stage of the relationship., Mr Nice Guy is little more than a distant memory; At least as far as your partner is concerned. He can show his charm when out in public, he can dust off the “nice” side of him for the benefit of every other woman in town, but in the privacy of his own home he is cold, unloving, judgmental, punitive. and derogatory.
Of course, his treatment has taken its toll on him. At this stage, her partner has been so brainwashed by constant mental and emotional abuse that she has lost her confidence, self-esteem, and sense of self. She is constantly afraid of causing another outbreak and she blames herself for everything. Worse yet, she has come to treat herself just as badly as her partner treats her. She feels completely exhausted, hopeless and hopeless. She just can’t see a way out.
She can’t see a way out for two very important reasons. First, she does not understand what has happened to her, and what is No his fault. Second, he doesn’t know how to heal himself and get his life back on track. Because she has been so brainwashed of her, it is almost impossible for her to make the journey back to health in happiness without the help of an expert.
Fortunately, the world is not how she has been conditioned to see it. With the help of experts, she will be able to move on from her abusive relationship and create a meaningful life for herself.
A mentally abusive relationship can feel like a living death. Fortunately, there is it is life after emotional mental abuse. Having survived a mentally abusive relationship means you have the strength to heal and a tremendous capacity, as well as a hunger, for the happiness you desire.