Starting, maintaining, and growing a relationship is a lot like ballroom dancing or Latin dancing. Have you ever seen a couple dancing on the floor moving through complex movements with such grace and effort that it seems like some magic spell has been cast that has caused the two beings to share a perfect consciousness? I was puzzled by this phenomenon and was forced to take classes myself. As an engineer, I had to analyze everything I was taught about dance so that I could break it down into all its parts and then understand how they put together and work together. The enlightenment came in large part as a result of having a patient instructor at the local YMCA who was also an engineer by trade. As I suspected, there was much more to being a good dancer than just being able to memorize a sequential foot placement pattern.
In both ballroom dancing and the Latin style of partner dance, one person has to lead and the other has to follow. This works best if the man leads and the woman follows. Initially, he wasn’t sure why this was, but it eventually became apparent. In one class I was trying to waltz with a woman and couldn’t seem to twirl her gracefully. The instructor came up and asked me if whatever it was I was trying to do, could I stop it? I explained my difficulty to him and he asked me to watch him with my partner. He placed his hands, palms up, in front of her and asked her to place her hands over his. She placed her hands, palms down, on his, at which point he jerked her hands away and told her to keep them on hers, not touching, but maybe an inch above. After she placed her hands over his, he simply said, “Now follow me,” and began to maneuver her around the room to make her look like a gifted princess. Note that she didn’t really know anything other than the basic step (she only learned less than half an hour before) and neither of them were touching at all. Magic, right? Maybe magnets? As I recall, he explained it to me like this:
“The key is to always have in her mind exactly where she wants to be within three moves and exactly where she wants her body to be within three moves. If you provide a safe clue with that in mind at all times, she will be able to ‘feel’ where your body will move next and respond accordingly. “
This is a lot like dating in the sense that not only does a woman like to have a confident man, but she needs to be able to feel him to give her perspective on the relationship. The woman wants to feel that confidence so that she can surrender to her leadership knowing that she is safe. In many twists and turns, he can initiate her twist with one hand, but often wraps the other around her waist to provide support and stability as she turns. It is not an independent movement on your part, but depends on the clarity, strength, and assurance of your guidance. It is the same in a relationship. She needs to know where he is emotionally so she can decide how much to commit emotionally. If he is ambivalent or unsure of where he is in the relationship, she (if emotionally healthy) will become frustrated or impatient and will soon lose interest. Sometimes a man with weak dance leadership can cause a woman to trip, step on her toes, or otherwise make her feel uncomfortable. This will naturally cause her to lose confidence in him, making it more difficult for her to follow whatever prompts he gives her. If a woman in a relationship finds out that he is not involved in the relationship as much as she had been led to believe, she will at least be more cautious and reserved with her emotional investment from then on. It won’t take him too many mistakes for her to lose interest again and move on.
Some women will get frustrated with a guy’s weak direction and “lead” them on the dance floor. If the guy has any guts, this will create a lot of conflict and confusion, as she will push him to tell her what he wants to do at the same time that he is supposed to communicate what is coming next. This never looks good and I can guarantee that the woman does not enjoy this as much as if she had a competent leader that she could feel secure in trusting and following. Just like in a relationship, she really wants to dance or be with someone and therefore will often put up with this non-committal and dysfunctional surrogate, if only to avoid being alone.
I have wondered why the roles cannot be reversed. The work of the man as a leader is many times more complex than the work of the woman as a follower. In general, women tend to want to dance a lot more than men, so why can’t we take the less demanding role? I think the answer lies in male and female natural preferences and internal wiring. Given the choice not to be loved and unwanted or to feel inadequate and disrespected, most women will see that they are unloved and unwanted as the worst option, while most men will see feeling inadequate and disrespected as the most painful (ref: For Women Only, Feldhan, 2004). ). Giving the man leadership makes him feel trusted and respected, while a woman who can follow good leadership feels loved and cared for. Understanding this in the analogy should help two people who are dating to see that both people have different but complementary needs. For example, if a man chooses a place to eat for a date and pays for dinner, his provider will have to meet his needs, especially if she tells him she enjoyed his choice. Also, she will feel much more loved and desired if he spends time and money helping her have a pleasant evening. While many women sometimes seek control in the relationship, if the man gives up his leadership, becomes passive, and puts his whole heart on a plate for her, both of them are likely to be seriously disappointed. To quote Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence (1995), “… and everyone knows that nothing will turn a woman away faster than knowing that she is in complete control of the relationship.”
In terms of the natural wiring of men and women, women are naturally more capable of following than men due to their heightened sense of intuition. Studies show that women have far more neural connections between their two brain hemispheres than men, which possibly explains why men, stereotypically, are such a jerk when it comes to intuitive deduction and empathy.
Another interesting dynamic in dance arises when studying the best way for each person to hold the other in the classic ballroom position (his right hand extended to his side and supported by his outstretched left hand, his right hand behind her on the bottom of her shoulder blade and her left hand on his right shoulder or upper arm). A casual observer might miss that the man is only gently touching his shoulder blade, his left arm is only resting on his right, and they are simply holding hands outstretched. Quite the contrary, if done correctly there is always a slight but definite tension between the three points of contact. This provides a more stable geometry for the dance so that he can communicate more effectively what his intentions are and so that she can more clearly detect subtle changes in that tension that indicate where to move. Women have a natural need for this tension because it is the medium of communication. Have you ever wondered why men are content to say (if not think): “Honey, on our wedding night I told you that I love you, if that ever changes, I’ll let you know”, and why it seems What man that when everything is stable in the home, the woman will seem to do something to create drama and disturb that peace?
The reason is that most women tend to be naturally insecure about their attractiveness and need continual reassurance. In dance, security is provided through communication through tension in the cellar (no one likes to dance with a rag). In relationship, it is provided by maintaining mutual respect as distinct and whole beings, while the man often goes out of his way creatively and personally to let her know that he could do many things with his time and energy, but he chooses. to spend it with her. Notice that I say frequently and not constantly. Provide the security and then step back and let her enjoy it. Spend time on other routine things or independent activities (chores, family things, hobbies, work, etc.) and wait for that insecurity to reappear (times vary depending on the woman, but WILL BE). Don’t let it become a problem, but wait long enough for the question to pop into your mind. So, know her love language, and once again communicate clearly and creatively that she is special and that you, this day, choose her. To the pragmatic male mind this may sound like a game. It requires planning, strategy, intelligence, and keeping track of both the clock and the scoreboard, but it is definitely not a game; It is a relationship between two people with unique and wonderfully created connections with hearts capable of love so great as to unite continents (cliche but true) and at the same time capable of such levels of depravity as to render another incapable of loving or even lose the desire to continue living.
In most dance classes I attended, we rotated dance partners so that we could learn to dance with other people rather than simply developing a series of bad habits of liking one person. Each woman he danced with was different and at first he could only think of them as better or worse dancers. However, as I got to know these women better, I began to notice correlations between their dancing style / ability and their life experiences. For example, a woman was tall (about six inches taller than me) and very beautiful, but I was not sure of her height. It was like dancing with a limp doll. It was difficult to guide her because I couldn’t find any resistance to be able to feel where she was.
Another woman was married but came to singles class because her husband was not interested in spending this kind of time with her. She would often bring her body unusually close to mine and I had a habit of touching her breasts with any part of my body that I could grasp or manipulate in the correct position. I can only assume that she was probably lonely and very hungry for affection. Another woman I had to remind several times to let me lead, as I would compulsively try to back down. She was a beautiful and intelligent woman, but many years ago she had been through a very abusive and ugly divorce and had been a single mother of several children for a long time. She was very used to being independent and not being able to trust men. Another woman had a similar tendency to try to back off when I was trying to learn a new move. She got frustrated and impatient with my mistakes while I was learning and tried to “help” me by taking matters into her own hands. Turns out, she was a bit of a critical perfectionist and had been through relationships and marriages routinely.
To be fair, I had my own myriad of issues that showed up in the way I tried to lead and dance, but this further illustrates the point that not only is dance a suitable analogy for relationships, but problems in one have. a direct relationship. related corollary in the other. Do you want to quickly get to know your date and what kind of emotional mapping they come with? Take them to dance or dance classes and then pay close attention to how they respond to you. I have illustrated primarily from the perspective of a man to a woman, but similar principles apply in the other direction as well. If those women wanted to, they could have seen my soul very deeply just by dancing with me for a few minutes. They may not have seen a lot of details, but they could certainly pick out the main landmarks.